Tuesday, February 22, 2011

An introduction to Cynicism, by "The Golden Sombrero"

I've recently taken a new job, which is taking up a lot of my time right now. So, in order to fill some space, and keep giving people a reason to check-in, I've recruited a friend to write guest posts, and to offer a different perspective.

I've been forced to listen to some of what passes for prime-time radio, and I have a theory forming that I wanted to test: The less-informed, and more-cynical an analysis is, the better the ratings. Our new contributor has promised that he will never research his posts, and never put a positive spin on anything.

Ladies and gentlemen, without further adue: "The Golden Sombrero"

Hello plebian readers.

It's far overdue for me to have been given a forum to share my wonderful thoughts with the world. Since my intelligence regarding baseball has previously confined only to my friendship group, I thought it would be best for me to start by reviewing my thoughts on the Blue Jays offseason moves, and on my theories about baseball in general:

First of all, who let this punk-kid run a baseball franchise? He hardly looks old enough to be in the workforce, and some too-rich owner gave him the keys-to-the-vault. It takes years of watching players develop, watching teams come together, and evaluating of individual talent before someone can realistically hope to run a baseball team. The ownership group clearly was not willing to pay for a big-name talent as GM, and got this kid on the cheap.

And what has he been doing? Trading away any of the remaining talent on this team for a bunch of nobodies. NOBODIES!
-A quick word on prospects: They are worthless. Trading major league players for minor leaguers is wasteful. Nobody who is not already in the major leagues can ever hope to make the Majors, or be a significant contributor at any level. Ever.
-Also, trading for veterans is a terrible practice. Clearly, other GMs know that these players are due to decline, and will fleece you in a deal. The lesson here: Never trade anyone.
-Also, Also: Never sign free agents. GMs pay too much money to these spoiled children, and will jeopardize the future of the franchise by bringing them in.
-My basic theory, as educated by the mass media is: Never make any changes, but expect better results. If all else fails, fire a coach.

Now that you know my general feelings on the runnings of a team, here is my analysis on the specifics:

-John Farrel wasn't good enough to coach the Red Sox. They couldn't even make the playoffs last season. So it looks like the Jays cheaped out again.

-Shawn Marcum was our Ace! He started on opening day! Two years in a row the Jays have traded away their ace for nothing. They can't hope to compete with a bunch of minor-league players.

-Worse still, they traded away our best Centre Fielder! Vernon Wells was a beast! Was nobody paying attention to his Home Runs? His RBIs? and we got back some garbage bench-players from yet another team that couldn't make the playoffs. All for a salary dump. So CHEAP!

-Still worse: the team signed (According to reports from Damien Cox) the biggest steroid user in history, to a 5 year extension! I'm starting a countdown till he gets suspended.

-The team now wants to play Rajai Davis in Centre? BRUTAL! He won't even hit 10 Home Runs. I bet he doesn't even get 50 RBI. He better have a wicked batting average, or this team is gonna suck.

-Travis Snider is officially a bust. He's been around for three seasons now. Enough said. Time to move on.

-Edwin Encarnacion is a terrible defender. Anything more than a minor league contract is a waste of money. With such cheap owners, this team can't afford to waste that money on him.

-How come we couldn't sign Cliff Lee? Or Jayson Werth? If this silly child-GM wants to waste money on the aforementioned Edwin, Why not waste it on players that are actually good?

All told, I expect this team to lose at least 100 games. The beauty of my cynicism is that I can always be glad if they outperform my expectations. Remember this kiddies: Set your expectations super low, that way you never have to be disappointed. I'll let you know how I feel once the roster is formed, but this team looks destined for a 1st overall pick.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Dear Brett Lawrie

I should start by apologizing for being away. I'm not going to get all sentimental: I've been busy, and there hasn't been anything to write about. I went to Vegas. That's all you need to know.

Dear Brett,

I have already placed so many of my hopes for the Blue Jays future on your youthful shoulders. Your left-handed-right-handed swing gives me chills. Your youthful athleticism gives me comfort that you can adjust to an infield home, and offer significantly more value to the team going forward.

That said, I've just returned from your likely future home (Las Vegas, Nevada)

I've also realized that while you are in the aforementioned Vegas, you will turn the delicate age of 21.

Now, like a good Canadian boy, I'm quite sure that you are already drinking regularly (For those of you who are unaware, the drinking age in most Canadian Provinces is 19) and I'm sure you've developed an excellent tolerance. Your tolerance will count for nothing in the dry, desert heat. Your willpower will be tested (repeatedly) and you may even end up with more Eminem lyrics tattooed upon your juvenile limbs.

But please, please remember why you are really going to Las Vegas. You are on a killing mission. You are there to pick up where JP Arencibia left off. To destroy all pitching. To send baseballs into the arid atmosphere above the neon-lights of the strip (actually, Cashman field is a long way from the main strip, but you get the imagery, right?)

So please, please stay focused. Remember that your goal is to get to Toronto as soon as possible. To work on playing defence on an infield that is as dry and hard as concrete. When you hit the clubs, work on your footwork around the base. Chicks will dig that you are dancing, and they won't recognize the steps.

Also, please pass this message along to Eric Thames and Darin Mastroianni. This is a critical time for all of you.


The 5th Starter.

P.S. while you are at spring training, tell Alex and Jose that they both win by negotiating a longer-term agreement. Jose gets screw-you money. Alex gets a positionally-versatile leader at a reasonable rate. Make it happen. Suggest 3/ $39 or 4/$50.