Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Dear Brett Lawrie
I should start by apologizing for being away. I'm not going to get all sentimental: I've been busy, and there hasn't been anything to write about. I went to Vegas. That's all you need to know.
I have already placed so many of my hopes for the Blue Jays future on your youthful shoulders. Your left-handed-right-handed swing gives me chills. Your youthful athleticism gives me comfort that you can adjust to an infield home, and offer significantly more value to the team going forward.
That said, I've just returned from your likely future home (Las Vegas, Nevada)
I've also realized that while you are in the aforementioned Vegas, you will turn the delicate age of 21.
Now, like a good Canadian boy, I'm quite sure that you are already drinking regularly (For those of you who are unaware, the drinking age in most Canadian Provinces is 19) and I'm sure you've developed an excellent tolerance. Your tolerance will count for nothing in the dry, desert heat. Your willpower will be tested (repeatedly) and you may even end up with more Eminem lyrics tattooed upon your juvenile limbs.
But please, please remember why you are really going to Las Vegas. You are on a killing mission. You are there to pick up where JP Arencibia left off. To destroy all pitching. To send baseballs into the arid atmosphere above the neon-lights of the strip (actually, Cashman field is a long way from the main strip, but you get the imagery, right?)
So please, please stay focused. Remember that your goal is to get to Toronto as soon as possible. To work on playing defence on an infield that is as dry and hard as concrete. When you hit the clubs, work on your footwork around the base. Chicks will dig that you are dancing, and they won't recognize the steps.
Also, please pass this message along to Eric Thames and Darin Mastroianni. This is a critical time for all of you.
The 5th Starter.
P.S. while you are at spring training, tell Alex and Jose that they both win by negotiating a longer-term agreement. Jose gets screw-you money. Alex gets a positionally-versatile leader at a reasonable rate. Make it happen. Suggest 3/ $39 or 4/$50.