An introduction to Cynicism, by "The Golden Sombrero"

I've recently taken a new job, which is taking up a lot of my time right now. So, in order to fill some space, and keep giving people a reason to check-in, I've recruited a friend to write guest posts, and to offer a different perspective.

I've been forced to listen to some of what passes for prime-time radio, and I have a theory forming that I wanted to test: The less-informed, and more-cynical an analysis is, the better the ratings. Our new contributor has promised that he will never research his posts, and never put a positive spin on anything.

Ladies and gentlemen, without further adue: "The Golden Sombrero"

Hello plebian readers.

It's far overdue for me to have been given a forum to share my wonderful thoughts with the world. Since my intelligence regarding baseball has previously confined only to my friendship group, I thought it would be best for me to start by reviewing my thoughts on the Blue Jays offseason moves, and on my theories about baseball in general:

First of all, who let this punk-kid run a baseball franchise? He hardly looks old enough to be in the workforce, and some too-rich owner gave him the keys-to-the-vault. It takes years of watching players develop, watching teams come together, and evaluating of individual talent before someone can realistically hope to run a baseball team. The ownership group clearly was not willing to pay for a big-name talent as GM, and got this kid on the cheap.

And what has he been doing? Trading away any of the remaining talent on this team for a bunch of nobodies. NOBODIES!
-A quick word on prospects: They are worthless. Trading major league players for minor leaguers is wasteful. Nobody who is not already in the major leagues can ever hope to make the Majors, or be a significant contributor at any level. Ever.
-Also, trading for veterans is a terrible practice. Clearly, other GMs know that these players are due to decline, and will fleece you in a deal. The lesson here: Never trade anyone.
-Also, Also: Never sign free agents. GMs pay too much money to these spoiled children, and will jeopardize the future of the franchise by bringing them in.
-My basic theory, as educated by the mass media is: Never make any changes, but expect better results. If all else fails, fire a coach.

Now that you know my general feelings on the runnings of a team, here is my analysis on the specifics:

-John Farrel wasn't good enough to coach the Red Sox. They couldn't even make the playoffs last season. So it looks like the Jays cheaped out again.

-Shawn Marcum was our Ace! He started on opening day! Two years in a row the Jays have traded away their ace for nothing. They can't hope to compete with a bunch of minor-league players.

-Worse still, they traded away our best Centre Fielder! Vernon Wells was a beast! Was nobody paying attention to his Home Runs? His RBIs? and we got back some garbage bench-players from yet another team that couldn't make the playoffs. All for a salary dump. So CHEAP!

-Still worse: the team signed (According to reports from Damien Cox) the biggest steroid user in history, to a 5 year extension! I'm starting a countdown till he gets suspended.

-The team now wants to play Rajai Davis in Centre? BRUTAL! He won't even hit 10 Home Runs. I bet he doesn't even get 50 RBI. He better have a wicked batting average, or this team is gonna suck.

-Travis Snider is officially a bust. He's been around for three seasons now. Enough said. Time to move on.

-Edwin Encarnacion is a terrible defender. Anything more than a minor league contract is a waste of money. With such cheap owners, this team can't afford to waste that money on him.

-How come we couldn't sign Cliff Lee? Or Jayson Werth? If this silly child-GM wants to waste money on the aforementioned Edwin, Why not waste it on players that are actually good?

All told, I expect this team to lose at least 100 games. The beauty of my cynicism is that I can always be glad if they outperform my expectations. Remember this kiddies: Set your expectations super low, that way you never have to be disappointed. I'll let you know how I feel once the roster is formed, but this team looks destined for a 1st overall pick.